3 years...

is how long I've been single. I've been somewhat involved with a few guys for a total of about 6 months. I'm over this whole being single/barely dating a guy for more than a few weeks thing. I'm ready for a relationship.

I've actually been feeling extremely lonely and disappointed lately. Disappointed because the few guys that showed interest, one even called himself my man, managed to make me feel even lonelier with them than I was before they walked into my life. At the moment, there is absolutely no one in my life. I am truly missing the intimacy (not sex, although love doing that) that comes from being with someone. Trying to remember the last time I was hugged by a guy who wasn't my best friend or gay is completely pointless. Same thing with a kiss or cuddling on a couch watching television, holding hands, randomly caressing an arm, leg, back, shoulder, etc. All those little things that make you feel loved/wanted/needed are missing.

Up until now, when I felt this way, I would hang with some friends and those feelings would go away. That's not working this time. Every time I'm alone, and some times when I'm not, I feel lonely. I'm feeling it really deeply within me and I can't shake it. It makes me understand why the saying "I'm looking for someone to complete me" came about. It's not about needing someone to make you feel like life is worth living or make you become the person you should be. It's about already being on the path to whatever greatness you already poses but having someone along for the journey. So while I am content with the path I've chosen to follow, I also need the type of companionship a friend cannot offer me.

I've been keeping my feelings about this to myself. Mainly because I don't want to bother anyone with my depressing talks of being lonely. All of my friends except 2 have someone in their lives. When I tell some of them how I feel, they tell me how lucky I am to be single and that I should enjoy it while I spend time working on my life and focusing on myself. I don't want to hear that crap. I've been listening to them say it for years and each time I want to curse them out. I don't because they mean well but it pissed me off. I don't feel lucky to be alone. I can continue my goals while I'm dating. I'm not some feeble-minded little girl that cannot separate her wants and needs from that of the guy she is dating.

I spend an extraordinary amount of time talking to people about their relationships. The things that make them happy, sad, frustrated, ready to kill their partner, and just the everyday things that make up the foundation of the relationship. Whether they are happy or mad, I have a degree of envy. I guess my life is supposed to be less complicated since I don't have to deal with those ups and downs. But I would welcome that into my life right now. I would choose that any day over what I feel now. Empty and alone. But for now, I will retire to my bed. Wrap the cover around myself and pretend I'm wrapped in the arms of the one who loves me.